drink the sweet feeling of the colour zero

Because it’s 2020 and we’re all posting recipes

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Taste Genetics Dependent:

Note: if you do not have the gene where cilantro tastes like soap to you, these will probably not be appealing to you. If you DO have the gene where cilantro tastes like soap, I encourage you to try them.

Chicken noodle tomato soup:
One can Campbell’s tomato soup.
One packet Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup.
Two cans water.
Mix, boil, cool, serve.

Peanut butter and cheese sandwiches:
Two slices toasted sourdough bread (not Rye!)
Peanut Butter
Cheddar Cheese
Under no circumstances grill this. You were warned.

Not Taste Genetics Dependent:

Chili of the north (makes about 3 L of thick chili):
1 kg lean ground beef (the leaner the better)
1 kg assorted beans (black beans, kidney beans, etc)
2 L tomato paste
100 g dried basil flakes
100 g dried parsley flakes
25 g red pepper flakes
5 tbsp chili powder (more can be added to taste)
3 tbsp baking soda
2 tbsp tarragon
4 tbsp turmeric
7 whole cloves garlic, minced
4-6 chopped bell peppers (depending on size)
2 L pilsner (or other similar golden lager)
30 g ground cannabis flower
Cook meat thoroughly and add (with fat) to chili pot.
Add tomato paste and lager, bring to a boil, then reduce to simmer.
Add all ingredients _except baking soda_.
Simmer _and regularly stir_ for at least 4 hours, adding water if necessary
When not stirring, worship cats.
Add baking soda in 1tbsp increments, stirring vigorously.
Optional: add beef pesudofried mushrooms before serving.
Note: do not add ground cannabis flower if serving to individuals under 25.

Pesudobeef fried mushrooms:
Sliced Mushrooms (many!)
Margarine 3 tbsp
1/4 cup water
2 tsp beef oxo
In a pan melt margarine.
Add 1/4 cup water and oxo, mix thoroughly.
Fry mushrooms at moderate heat, flipping regularly, until sauce has evaporated.

Steak a-la Jenn
1 Steak
3 cups water
2 tbsp soy sauce
Steak spice
1 tsp margarine
Marinate steak in water/soy sauce mixture.
Mix steak spice and margarine thoroughly.
Cook steak on low heat until cooked to taste.
Baste steak with steak spice/margarine.
Increase temperature and sear steak for 60 seconds on both sides.

Pasta sauce (makes about 2 L of sauce):
1 kg lean ground beef (the leaner the better)
1 L tomato paste
50 g dried basil flakes
50 g dried parsley flakes
25 g dried oregano flakes
1 tbsp g red pepper flakes
2 tsp chili powder (more can be added to taste)
1 tbsp baking soda
1 tbsp turmeric
1 tsp sage
1 tsp ground catnip
7 whole cloves garlic, minced
2-3 chopped bell peppers (depending on size)
2 whole tomatoes, diced
1 whole onion, finely chopped
2 cups of finely shredded spinach
2 L of whichever is the most thoroughly disreputable ale you can find
Cook meat thoroughly and add (draining fat) to chili pot.
Add tomato paste and beer, bring to a boil, then reduce to simmer.
Add all ingredients _except baking soda_.
Simmer _and regularly stir_ for at least 4 hours, adding water if necessary.
Continue worshiping cats.
Add baking soda in 1tbsp increments, stirring vigorously.
Optional: add thinly sliced carrots to mix before boil phase.
Optional: add beef fried mushrooms before serving.
Optional: add rosemary to taste after simmering is completed.

Sourdough rye flax bread:
Find a baker.
Ply them with offerings until they agree to make you a sourdough rye bread in which 1/3 of the flour is replaced by ground flax.
Cut bread thinly.
Toast bread.
Add margarine to flavour.
Add cheese.
Add a pinch of salt.
Enjoy bread that doesn’t increase your blood sugar AT ALL.
Wonder if bakers are actually wizards, because you’ve been trying for 5 years to make this work, and the only thing you’ve ever succeeded in baking were horrors so dark they deprived nightmares of their rest.

Stoner food:

Cranberry Ginger Ale:
1.89 L Ocean Spray diet cranberry drink
2 L Canada Dry diet ginger ale
Mix, serve

Fiddly sandwiches:
Sliced cucumbers
Mrs Dash Garlic and Herb
Sliced pepperoni
Sliced old cheddar
Pour Mrs Dash into a bowl.
Take cheese slice and moosh into Mrs Dash.
Place cheese cube and pepperoni slice on cucumber slice.
Place second cucumber slice on top to make a fiddly little sandwich.
Marvel at the complexity of flavours that taste great, but would be bizarre if you weren’t high.

Pepper bowls:
1 bell pepper
2 eggs
1 tbsp ground parmesan
1 tbsp simulated bacon bits
Remove top from bell pepper, throwing away the stem, but preserving the pith and seeds.
Carve out any pith from inside the bell pepper.
Finely chop any piece of bell pepper and pepper pith you have, add seeds.
Crack eggs into bowl.
Beat eggs while adding chopped pepper bits, seeds, parmesan, and bacon bits.
Pour mixture into bell pepper.
Place in oven at 200f until egg mixture is fully firm.
Note: I find it’s easy to tell if it still needs cooking by taking it out of the oven and wiggling the pepper a little with my oven-mitt-covered hand. You should be able to tell the difference between “there’s liquid in there” and “nope, it’s all a big mass of cooked egg”.
Optional: add minced onion to egg mixture before cooking.

The chicken you don’t have:
1 Chicken breast
1 tsp Real Lemon
1/2 tsp ground black pepper
1/2 cup water
1 tsp margarine
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1 pinch ground tarragon
Pour water, Real Lemon, and black pepper into a pan.
Fry chicken breast on med heat until cooked.
Mix margarine, garlic powder, and tarragon into a paste.
Baste chicken breast with paste while searing the outside.
Let cool, then cut into little pieces.
Carefully suck all the seasoning off of the chicken, then give the chicken to the cat, because cats don’t like flavourings, and she has been waiting FOREVER for you to feed her, and she’s a poor starving kitten, and nobody has EVER fed her.
Also: pet her belly, it’s soft, and warm, and inviting, and she is in no way a trap. She is not a trap, pet her belly, pet her belly, she is not a trap.
She was totally a trap.

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